Monday, February 2, 2009

I'm not real, he says I'm human.......

To those of you who don't really know me, after reading this you may know more about me than ever needed to...

First of all my mother has been diagnosed with 'manic depressive bipolar' going on 8 years now. I have been to a doctor and thankfully I did not inherit this disease for it tends to run in the genes. Thats a great thing because I don't need a problem like that stacked up on top of my other problems. I have always suffered from mild depression, stress-anxiety, resentment issues, abandonment issues, addiction, mood swings, and uncontrolled anger. It bothers me so much because I know these things are holding me back from being the best mother and wife that I could possibly be. Not to mention, keeping me from being happiest I can be... They do say that its hard to love others and give them the love they deserve when you don't truly love yourself to begin with.

If I could rid this world of anything it would be DEPRESSION. Definition of depression: a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. Most of the time i suffer from depression, some days I experience what is known as 'clinical depression', lasts longer and often times medicines are used to treat this. While pregnant with my now 9 month old daughter I just knew that once she was born that I would lose all of the 'depression' unfortunately I never did. This made me feel extremely guilty inside, knowing that this perfect little angel that depends on me couldn't even take my depression away. This was also my breaking point and what made me finally go to see a doctor as my husband had been advising me to do all along. So the Psychiatrist cost me 200 dollars up front fee, she talked to me for about 5 mins, diagnosed me with "Post-Partum depression and prescribed me Zoloft; a depression pill usually prescribed for women who have just given birth and having any depression like symptoms. (this occured 3 months after Ky was born). Needless to say I quit taking it 3 weeks into it....I just knew that I could fix it myself. Well just yesterday I realized that no I can't fix it on my own, I may have a chemical imbalance or I need to take a different approach, a psychologist. my hubby and I made this decision together based on my patterns of emotions and the things I tell him. I have alot of issues regarding my past and if a psychologist can't help me then I will go the 'medicine route'.

Many people do not know the difference between what a psychiatrist (
physician who specializes in psychiatry, they prescribe medicines) does Vs. what a psychologist( A person trained and educated to perform psychological research, testing, and therapy, DONT prescribe medicines) does. All of these issues way very heavy on me and it seems since I had my daughter that they have only worsened. I need that Dr. to help me figure out where the resentment, anger, depression, and stress all comes from, and I need them to then help me sort it out alone, not with medicine. My take on the medicines are that i don't want to have to depend on a medicine for happiness. Instead i want to know that I have 'fixed' everything instead of pushed them aside, or masking them. Granted if the Dr. decides that I have a mood disorder and or a chemical problem in my brain then i will consider the pills if that is the only option. Its a great thing that my hubby is in the UNION cause that means we have just about the best insurance you can get UNITED HEALTH CARE. I never have a Co-pay anytime I go to the doctor and it cost us only 3oo bucks for Kiah's hospital delivery and my prenatal care. I have a feeling that there will be many dr. visits for me and I am so looking forward to it! I have a great feeling about all of this, I have never felt so sure about anything in my entire life (except for i knew that Brandon was going to be my husband the 1st time I saw him).

So I already have a Doctor lined out. I chose her over the internet and have spoken with her secretary and thoroughly questioned her about her. Has she helped people like me? Does she specialize in the things i need help with? I pray to God that things are going to start looking up for me, and I know in my heart of hearts that it is!! I am going to be 100 percent happy very very soon, inside and out!! I am already an awesome mommy & wife, but i know that making some changes and getting to the bottom of these issues will only make me better, maybe even the best! lol jp people.

I am doing this for my beautiful perfect daughter Kiah May Hill and my great husband Brandon, but most importantly for me. When I feel human again, I know that my self-esteem (personality) issues will come to a halt and as a result I can give my family the love and affection that they truly deserve....its hard to believe that its possible for me to give them more than I do now!! I absolutely adore those 2 people!! I will keep everyone posted. I don't think I'm real, yet he tells me that I am perfectly human............

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